Nvidia bought the wrong server rack
Also 3D photos and pop music server crashes

The $20 Billion Printer Replacement Mishap

Nvidia, the chip company whose stock price is now mostly based on vibes and a desperate need for more GPUs, has apparently made an executive decision straight out of the middle-management handbook. The company reportedly paid $20 billion for a firm that missed its own revenue targets by an impressive 75 percent. This is not a strategic investment; this is the I.T. department ordering the most expensive server available even though they just needed a better wireless router.

The working theory suggests this transaction might function as a clever bureaucratic workaround to avoid the tedious process of an antitrust review, which is probably worse than an unscheduled all-hands meeting. By purchasing the underperforming asset, Nvidia essentially sidesteps the long wait at the regulatory DMV and ensures the only thing scrutinized is the poor financial planning. It is a spectacular example of corporate maneuvering, proving that if you pay enough money for a broken item, you can skip the line and call it "synergy."

The Cubicle Decor Update (Now In 3D)

Apple has released an open-source model called ML-Sharp, which can instantly turn any standard 2D photograph into a 3D view. Management is now requiring everyone to use this to reprocess all company headshots for "immersive engagement" in the next quarterly presentation. The engineering team created a piece of complex mathematical magic, but the primary result is that now everyone can finally see the back of their cat's head in slightly disturbing detail.

The open-source nature means Apple wants the whole internet to clean up the inevitable artifacts and errors that come from generating depth from flatness. It is essentially crowdsourcing the QA process, which is the most efficient way to get free labor for a project that will mostly be used to generate animated holiday cards for the CEO.

I.T. Ticket: Pop Star Creates Audio Denial-of-Service

A fascinating historical I.T. support ticket from 2022 has resurfaced, explaining how the 1989 music video for Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" had the power to crash certain Windows laptop computers. Apparently, the natural resonant frequency found in the song's primary tune matched the resonant frequency of certain 5400 RPM hard drives. This is not witchcraft; it is just a spectacular physical-world zero-day exploit inadvertently launched by a global superstar.

Microsoft's chief software architect, Raymond Chen, had to issue an official patch to teach the operating system to filter out the sound of the pop song before it caused a machine failure. It is a cautionary tale about why you should never build your mission-critical infrastructure to be audibly vulnerable to dance hits. The next project for the security team is reportedly isolating all systems from the new Beyoncé album.

Briefs

• Security Status: Gpg.fail is now a popular domain. It has achieved the ultimate cybersecurity status: a dedicated failure page.
• Healthcare IT: A campaign is urging the National Health Service in the UK to say no to Palantir. They are worried about data surveillance; the NHS is probably just worried about getting a massive SQL injection vulnerability during the quarterly review.
• Rebranding Effort: VSCode has rebranded itself as "The open source AI code editor". This mandatory compliance renaming ensures everyone knows that a helpful but mostly incompetent robot is now reviewing their pull requests.