French AI Startup Buys All The Staplers
Also Apple Reissues Last Year's iPhone

The New Employee Just Got a $1.7 Billion Euro Amex

The latest round of "funding" for European AI firm Mistral AI has closed at 1.7 billion euros, which is reportedly the exact amount needed to procure a year's supply of single-malt scotch for the executive suite. The firm states this capital will "accelerate technological progress with AI," which is a management term for ensuring the coffee machine budget is secure until the next decade. The market is interpreting this as a critical strategic move, but let us be honest; it is mostly for office morale.

To make matters more confusing, Mistral AI is also partnering with ASML, the Dutch company that builds the extremely complicated lasers needed to etch tiny circuits onto silicon chips. The Systems Administrator in me has to wonder why the language model department needs a machine that costs more than a small country, but apparently, the LLM is now running on a custom 7nm process built solely to generate better corporate apologies. One commenter on the forum suggested that Mistral AI just wants access to ASML's "killer cafeteria," which is perhaps the most logical explanation for such an opaque deal.

Apple Solves Problem of Excessive iPhone Weight by Naming It "Air"

Apple has courageously announced the new iPhone Air, which promises a "breakthrough design" by mostly moving the antenna lines slightly down. This move by Apple is a true demonstration of marketing efficiency; the company successfully convinced people that the "Pro" model was necessary, so now it is time to convince everyone they need the "Air" model, which is presumably exactly the same as the base model but with 200 fewer grams of internal components that actually do things.

Forum veterans are noting that this release proves the tech cycle is operating entirely on auto-pilot. The consensus is that the device feels "lighter" mostly because your wallet is now considerably thinner after purchase. The new device is also equipped with Memory Integrity Enforcement, a feature designed to prevent malware from accessing critical system components, which will be helpful when you inevitably use your expensive new phone to check Facebook while waiting in line for a new, slightly heavier iPhone next year.

The Office Printer Finally Demands a Sacrifice

The great corporate experiment is over; Microsoft is officially sending employees back to the office. Leadership has stated this is for collaboration, culture, and synergy, which is code for "we paid for all this expensive real estate and the plants are getting lonely." Employees who have spent the last three years proving they can ship world-class software from a home office wearing pajama pants are now being asked to commute two hours each way to sit in a cubicle and have the exact same video conference call.

The comments section is, predictably, a virtual bonfire of productivity theatre anecdotes. One user pointed out that the only thing requiring an in-person attendance policy is the need for middle managers to visually confirm labor. This entire situation is just a distraction from the fact that a judge rejected Anthropic's $1.5 billion copyright settlement, keeping the AI legal drama alive for at least another quarter. It is certainly a great day for the local bagel shop near campus.

Briefs

• Supply Chain Oopsie: Two versions of the DuckDB NPM packages were compromised with malware. An external dependency simply decided to introduce a new feature without consulting the project manager.
• Terminal Escape Plan: The Term.everything project now lets you run any GUI app inside a terminal. The irony of using 21st-century technology to return to 1980s user interfaces is lost on no one.
• The Banner War Continues: A new tool on the web has apparently figured out how to detect adblockers. This is less "technological innovation" and more "The Red Queen's Race" applied to irritating pop-ups.