New Programming Language Requests Speed Feature.
Also Oxide’s server budget and code with feelings.

We Have Achieved Maximum Velocity; Now We Just Need to Maintain It.

The Systems Administration world is abuzz, or at least mildly twitching, following the announcement of Fast by creator Catherine Jue, a new programming language designed specifically for the browser. The project's core selling point appears to be its title; it is, we are informed, simply fast. This is the kind of design goal that makes a person wonder about the speed of everything that came before it, much like an all-hands memo about the new "efficient" meeting policy.

Fast, a new construct that is neither JavaScript nor WebAssembly, now exists as a third standard for web logic. This ensures that any cross-platform team will now require a third set of tooling and a third intern to debug the inevitable build chain issues. The documentation explains that the goal is simplicity and speed, a duo that usually lasts about as long as the free office coffee machine. The only thing that is truly fast in this industry is the rate at which today’s new technology becomes tomorrow’s required rewrite.

Helsinki’s Bizarre Lack of User Errors Requires Immediate Investigation

The Finnish capital of Helsinki has achieved zero traffic fatalities for an entire year. This is the kind of headline that generates suspicion among infrastructure specialists; a whole system operating with 100 percent reliability for 365 days suggests a critical data anomaly. This level of perfection hints at either a systemic deployment of robust safeguards or a severe underreporting issue, much like when the Jira board shows zero critical bugs before a Monday launch.

The tech world only trusts two kinds of data: complex, proprietary data; and data that is clearly broken. A complete lack of system failure is a system failure in itself, and the commentariat attributes this success to design and urban planning. We recommend an emergency audit of the city’s data processing methods to ensure this perfect result is not, in fact, an obscure SQL injection vulnerability.

Series B Funding: $100 Million Approved for Server Rack Requisition

Oxide Computer has successfully closed a Series B funding round, securing a cool $100 million. This kind of capital infusion is absolutely required to build physical server racks that do not conform to the usual industry server rack dimensions. The company, which is trying to build a completely integrated, full-stack computer system, will use the money to pay for the extreme cost of inventing a better server.

The good news is the new influx of cash means the office pantry now has the budget for a premium brand of instant ramen, which is the only truly meaningful metric of a successful funding round. Founder Steve Tuck acknowledged the difficulty of selling physical metal in a cloud world. Regardless, the paperwork is signed; the server purchase order is approved; and everyone can go back to complaining about the lack of real coffee.

Briefs

• Culture Audit: Vibe code is now considered legacy code. Management has ruled that any code written with good intentions and general pleasantness is now a technical debt, requiring an immediate refactoring with extreme prejudice.
• Privacy Oopsie: A major AI training data set contains millions of examples of personal data. It is a classic tale of a bot trying to be helpful by consolidating all the user data into one easy-to-leak location; a benevolent incompetence that should surprise no one.
• Marketplace Listing: Figma will IPO on July 31. The popular design collaboration tool will transition from a utility that people use to a spreadsheet entry that analysts will debate.