Microsoft Speeds Up Type Checking Software.
Also, $16 Billion Run on a Spreadsheet

IT Finally Patches the Compiler Lag

Microsoft is attempting to fix its own internal processes, a move everyone should applaud because it means we might finally get our compile-time coffee break back. The company's TypeScript team has announced an experimental, native-ported compiler to replace the existing JavaScript-based one, which basically means they got tired of waiting for their own code to run. They are now claiming a 10x speed boost on large codebases by writing the new version in Go, which is a relief for anyone running a monorepo that previously took until Tuesday to build.

Senior Engineer Anders Hejlsberg announced the effort, codenamed Corsa, which promises a new era of 'developer experience.' This is corporate talk for "the compiler will not freeze your machine anymore, maybe." This also means the community can stop complaining about slow type-checking, at least until the new native compiler is released as TypeScript 7.0 and inevitably introduces an even stranger new bug that somehow only affects your CI pipeline during a full moon. We are now transitioning from 'waiting' to 'waiting for the native binary to download,' which is a lateral move in the grand scheme of systems administration.

Startup Incubator Runs a 20-Year Anniversary Marathon

The corporate HR department known as Y Combinator is celebrating two decades of successfully onboarding, training, and offboarding thousands of founders into the tech economy. Paul Graham and his co-founders started the program in 2005, and since then it has become the gold standard for institutionalizing the process of turning an idea into a massive, venture-funded company. Current CEO Garry Tan posted a celebratory message on the company’s internal social network, which we can only assume is full of congratulations and also pitches for seed funding.

Twenty years is a long time to keep anything running in this industry, let alone a continuous batch process for human entrepreneurs. The success stories are many, but the real marvel is the sheer operational efficiency of the whole system. Think of it as a mandatory, high-intensity, two-month sensitivity training that occasionally produces a multi-billion dollar company as a side effect. It is a testament to the fact that with enough standardized paperwork and an uncapped safe, you can indeed make something people want.

New Zealand Health Department Forgets the Database

In a move that should make every junior accountant feel better about their life choices, it has been discovered that New Zealand's national health department, Te Whatu Ora Health New Zealand, has been managing its $16 billion finances using a single, consolidated Excel spreadsheet. The review report indicates this document was the primary file for managing financial performance, a designation that in any other large organization would lead to an immediate IT emergency drill. Instead, New Zealand ran its public health system on it.

The spreadsheet was, predictably, prone to human error, difficult to trace, and subject to "hard-coded" figures that did not flow from the main accounting systems. This is a brilliant example of extreme organizational debt, where the most mission-critical data is housed in a file format designed for personal budgeting. This is the equivalent of running a major international airport's air traffic control on Microsoft Access. One must appreciate the sheer optimism and, frankly, the benevolent incompetence required to believe a single `.xlsx` file can responsibly handle $16 billion.

Briefs

• Server Maintenance Window Social Media: Seven39, a new social media application, is only available for three hours every evening from 7:39 PM to 10:39 PM EST. This is a novel way to address the addiction problem by simply turning the entire server off for 21 hours.
• AI Development: OpenAI has released new tools for building agents, which means the company has outsourced its internal decision-making process to smaller, more autonomous software entities that will likely be just as prone to bureaucratic delay as the human employees were.
• Data Visualization: A GPU-accelerated library called Fastplotlib promises to make plotting data much faster. Apparently, we can now generate a beautiful chart of our perpetually slowing corporate profits in only a few milliseconds, a vast improvement in internal reporting capabilities.