Signal left the back door unlocked again.
Also, SoftBank bought a city block for a server rack.

The Inter-Office Memo That Accidentally Included Your Home Address

Everyone is currently attempting to understand the new 0-click deanonymization "oopsie" that has targeted popular applications like Signal and Discord. The security vulnerability effectively allowed a third party to confirm if a user ID existed on a platform by observing how long it took for the push notification service to respond; a slightly faster response meant the ID was valid, which is a key piece of information when linking users across services. This means the highly secure platforms, which have spent considerable effort ensuring no one knows who you are, accidentally installed a digital suggestion box next to the server rack that broadcast a subtle "Yes, I am here" with every attempt to contact the user.

Signal, which prides itself on not knowing anything about its users, ended up knowing just enough to leave a small trail of breadcrumbs leading right back to your digital identity. The security team at the messaging platform thought they were building Fort Knox, but it turns out the contractors left the keys under the doormat when they went on lunch break. It is a classic case of aiming for perfect privacy and achieving perfectly predictable metadata leakage. Hopefully, the patch process involves simply turning the notification server off and then back on again.

Stargate: The Office Park Expansion Nobody Asked For

OpenAI, SoftBank, Oracle, and MGX are partnering on an ambitious undertaking called Project Stargate. This project involves a casual hundred-billion-dollar effort to buy up enough land and energy capacity to power a small nation, all for the benefit of running more Large Language Models. Essentially, the AI department has outgrown its cubicle and is now demanding its own sovereign territory.

Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI, and Larry Ellison, Co-founder of Oracle, along with Masayoshi Son of SoftBank, are pooling resources to ensure the world’s next inevitable server farm is also the most expensive one. The sheer scale of the proposal suggests that instead of optimizing their code, these companies decided it was easier to simply acquire all the world's available computing power and hope the problem solves itself. It is a beautiful display of benevolent incompetence, a testament to the belief that throwing enough money at a heat sink can solve any architectural challenge.

Mandatory Morale Memo: The Q1 "Winter of Faith"

The internal memo has been circulated: it appears the general sentiment amongst the technical staff has dipped, an event the media is calling the "Startup Winter." Apparently, the tech community has realized that another SaaS platform for managing your other SaaS platforms is not, in fact, a revolution. The current mood is best summarized by the feeling you get when you realize the free office pizza is actually a quarterly budget item and you are paying for it with your lack of a raise.

It turns out that chasing impossible valuation metrics while running on fumes and venture capital funding is simply not sustainable. The problem is not a lack of money; the problem is the collective burnout that occurs when everyone realizes the "disruption" they signed up for is just another 80-hour work week and their stock options are now worth less than the free coffee machine. The only solution is to wait for the next shiny thing to distract everyone and call it a "Spring Refresh."

Briefs

• Color Theory Research: The technical teams have completed an in-depth study on the most Mario-like colors. The findings will be used in the next PowerPoint template for the quarterly earnings report.
• Physical Switches: A new app allows you to use NFC tags as physical switches to block digital distractions. This is a brilliant innovation that solves the age-old problem of not being able to remember how to turn your phone off.
• Object Recognition: An engineer has successfully deployed YOLO to detect office chairs in hotel photos. This important work confirms that the computer vision revolution is focused on the critical task of confirming the existence of furniture.